Chocolate

This is a web conversation I started a few years ago

 

Chocolate

On the seventh day of the seventh month of the seventh year about seven in the cool of the evening, the seven kings woodcraft folk were seated around a fire in the forest of Epping, having gathered the wood by hand (and added a few pallets brought in a nomadic caravan).

 

 

We had a dream of the promised land, a strange but well known goddess spoke to us, her works are renowned throughout the world from when her medicinal powers were found in the central americas and blended by her priests and priestesses into wondrous concoctions.

 

She did not reveal her name to us but her message was clear – we are to go into all the world and worship her. Her gospel is of peace and love.

 

She has already ordained festivities at auspicious times of the year and her bounty is freely available.

 

But she is not worshipped, hymned, adored, communed with. Where is the Liturgy?

 

Her holy texts have not been recognised, despite her prophetesses and prophets like Nigella Lawson, Green and Blacks, Dahl, Cadbury, and Joanna Harris.

 

Where are the pilgrimages, the retreats, the holy orders?

 

It is time the whole world found the new religion.

 

We are to gather together at regular times and places to commune with her.

 

Ecuador Dark be thy name….

 

 

The promised land is near us!

 

 July 9, 2007, 12:19 AM   

cajela

 

Amen! Preach it, brother! Saints Lindt and Cluizel be praised!

 

amaradulcis_nyx

 

I myself am a devoted follower of these prophets: Valrhona, Valor, Lindt & Sprüngli, and Scharffen Berger.

 

Here is a holy order, of a sort…

70% dot com

 

Hail the dark goddess!

 

espritch

 

The false prophet Nestly has led many astray in my country.

 

Febble

 

OK, I’m yours. I resisted the barbecued kittens, but chocolate….

 

Clivedurdle

 

Originally Posted by espritch View Post

The false prophet Nestly has led many astray in my country.

We were discussing whether their should be heretical religions, we agreed that all chocolaty paths lead to the goddess – what is her holy name?

 

Maybe there should be a trinity of the ipu, the fsm and the chocolate goddess – should we keep her name unspeakable like yhwh?

 

It seems very easy to start religions – mormons, scientologists, and this one does seem to hit the spot!

 

As Pope Gregory put it, mountains are climbed a step at a time – anyone who eats or drinks chocolate anywhere – in a Church, on an Alpha Course, is giving obeisance to the chocolaty of chocalaties!

 

There will of course be mystical and gnostic sects – pure chocolate anyone?

 

We will gather together in her name to break chunks and drink of her elysian liquid that gives us life in all its fullness.

 

We will have full adult baptism services in rivers of chocolate – we will gather by the banks of Bourneville where we first saw the Spirit of the Flake.

 

I think there is another advantage to this religion that has been discussed in other threads….

 

My brother thought people would not want to share their chocolate with others.

 

Go into all the world! The people need a religion of peace and love and chocolate – even Dentists will approve as we are creating work for them!

 

I can see Anglicans and Pentecostals and Catholics converting very easily!

 

 

It is time there was a religion born in the new world!

 

Clivedurdle

 

Chocolate’s Roots in Ancient Mesoamerica

We tend to think of chocolate as a sweet candy created during modern times. But actually, chocolate dates back to the ancient peoples of Mesoamerica who drank chocolate as a bitter beverage.

 

For these people, chocolate wasn’t just a favorite food—it also played an important role in their religious and social lives.

 

The ancient Maya grew cacao and made it into a beverage.

The first people clearly known to have discovered the secret of cacao were the Classic Period Maya (250-900 C.E. [A.D.]). The Maya and their ancestors in Mesoamerica took the tree from the rainforest and grew it in their own backyards, where they harvested, fermented, roasted, and ground the seeds into a paste.

 

When mixed with water, chile peppers, cornmeal, and other ingredients, this paste made a frothy, spicy chocolate drink.

 

The Aztecs adopted cacao.

By 1400, the Aztec empire dominated a sizeable segment of Mesoamerica. The Aztecs traded with Maya and other peoples for cacao and often required that citizens and conquered peoples pay their tribute in cacao seeds—a form of Aztec money.

 

Like the earlier Maya, the Aztecs also consumed their bitter chocolate drink seasoned with spices—sugar was an agricultural product unavailable to the ancient Mesoamericans.

 

Drinking chocolate was an important part of Maya and Aztec life.

Many people in Classic Period Maya society could drink chocolate at least on occasion, although it was a particularly favored beverage for royalty. But in Aztec society, primarily rulers, priests, decorated soldiers, and honored merchants could partake of this sacred brew.

 

Chocolate also played a special role in both Maya and Aztec royal and religious events. Priests presented cacao seeds as offerings to the gods and served chocolate drinks during sacred ceremonies.

http://www.fieldmuseum.org/chocolate/history_intro.html

 

SaguaroJen

 

I sprinkle her blessed ashes upon my coffee.

 

Now as for sons and saints and such, I’m going to need more information – a handbook perhaps? I imagine Sugar will play a prominiant role.

 

For what is Chocolate without Sugar?

 

Clivedurdle

 

Quote:

handbook

Blasphemy!

 

I am after the lost word of the goddess – like Smith finding the golden plates or that Jewish king who “found” Deuteronomy!

 

 

Clivedurdle

 

Although…

 

http://www.greenandblacksdirect.com/…aspx?ProdID=61

 

Imagine one of those in every hotel room around the world!

 

SaguaroJen

Veteran Member

 

Originally Posted by Clivedurdle View Post

Although…

 

http://www.greenandblacksdirect.com/…aspx?ProdID=61

 

Imagine one of those in every hotel room around the world!

But wait! Wasn’t that one written by Joseph Smith?

 

Possible King James edition…

 

Your Personal Jesus

 

Clivedurdle, your sermon has touched my heart. Tell me, what must I, but a humble peasant, do to be enlightened by the Truth?

 

Clivedurdle

 

Seek for the truth of chocolatyness in your heart, tell others, when you partake of this food of the goddess say aloud the holy words the goddess has not yet told me but may have told someone else!

 

We need a goddess prayer to mumble when we are partaking – the hippies got it wrong – it should have been make chocolate not war, and of course the bringing of chocolate to Europe caused the enlightenment!

cajela

 

But what is a religion without splits and schisms?

 

A curse upon ye lukewarm milk chocolate eaters, for ye have departed from the path of dark righteousness.

Ye shall be cast into the nether realms of the pit of Hershey.

 

Babylon Sister

 

I was once a follower of the milky path but was redeemed by the glory that is the Dark Goddess. I am forever grateful.

 

perfessor

 

You haven’t lived until you’ve shaved dark chocolate over a bowl of spaghetti and meatballs.

 

Clivedurdle

 

Originally Posted by cajela View Post

But what is a religion without splits and schisms?

 

A curse upon ye lukewarm milk chocolate eaters, for ye have departed from the path of dark righteousness. Ye shall be cast into the nether realms of the pit of Hershey.

The goddess has told me we must follow the path of St George Orwell – everyone is equal but some are more equal than others – and of course we require a high priestesshood to guide us in the chocolaty paths.

 

Glory unto the flake for ever and ever! Amen!

 

Clivedurdle

 

the Dark Goddess

Her name has been revealed to us!

 

Rejoice! The Dark Goddess is with us!

 

May the peace of the Dark Goddess be with you all.

 

Febble

Location: Google “Febble” if you need to find me.

 

Originally Posted by SaguaroJen View Post

For what is Chocolate without Sugar?

That is vouchsafed only to the elect.

 

Clivedurdle

 

I have been researching – this may not be safe for work viewing.

 

http://www.chocolate.org/misc/hot-chocolate.html

 

Quote:

Chocolate is a psychoactive food. It is made from the seeds of the tropical cacao tree, Theobroma cacao. The cacao tree was named by the 17th century Swedish naturalist, Linnaeus. The Greek term theobroma means literally “food of the gods”. Chocolate has also been called the food of the devil; but the theological basis of this claim is obscure.

 

Febble

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clivedurdle View Post

I have been researching – this may not be safe for work viewing.

 

http://www.chocolate.org/misc/hot-chocolate.html

 

Quote:

Chocolate is a psychoactive food. It is made from the seeds of the tropical cacao tree, Theobroma cacao. The cacao tree was named by the 17th century Swedish naturalist, Linnaeus. The Greek term theobroma means literally “food of the gods”. Chocolate has also been called the food of the devil; but the theological basis of this claim is obscure.

Pah. Bad statistics, fallacious inference. Of course chocolate isn’t an aphrodisiac.

 

Sex is a choclodisiac.

 

Clivedurdle

 

Wait, wait, so the discovery of the food of the gods of the Dark Goddess not only led to the enlightenment but to Romeo and Juliet and then the romantic novel?

 

Have we discovered how to end war? Mass innoculation and continuous supplies?

 

CelticChic

 

I have been saved and I never knew till now!!

 

funinspace

 

Originally Posted by Clivedurdle View Post

Quote:

Originally Posted by espritch View Post

The false prophet Nestly has led many astray in my country.

We were discussing whether their should be heretical religions, we agreed that all chocolaty paths lead to the goddess – what is her holy name?

Ah, but are not followers of Carob not heathens? The infamous John the Baptist is said to have subsisted on the holy Carob mixed with honey during his crossing of the desert. Could it even be the source of the Anti-Dark Godess; the rebel, the divider, the destroyer?

Clivedurdle

Veteran Member

 

 

http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Part…4/locusts.html

 

Seems it wasn’t carob but locusts! But yes the dark goddess has come to save all the followers of the religions of the old world from their ignorance of her chocolatyness.

 

How can the old world claim great prophets like Jesus and Mo if they had never tasted chocolate? Their messages are false.

 

The saviour of the universe never tasted chocolate. That is no saviour!

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2 thoughts on “Chocolate

  1. Notes: For clarification and edification

    ipu = Invisible Pink Unicorn (although Purple is a reasonable alternative).

    fsm = Flying Spagetti Monster

    Scharffen Berger is sadly about to cease production from its source. Seems the religion needs more followers.

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